"Little Red Riding Hood" - Sam The Sham

Good morning peeps!! Did you know that fairy tales, nursery rhymes and folktales are some of the most violent, misogynistic, homophobic stories there ever was??? You didn't did you? After years of teaching and reading these stories to countless numbers of innocent children, I have now had the time to really analyze and dissect the hidden and not so hidden meanings in these beloved tales. I will now present my take on the meanings of those suspect fairy tales! Disclaimer: this is all tongue in cheek.

"Three Blind Mice, See How They Run, They All Ran After The Farmer's Wife, Who Cut Off Their Tails With A Carving Knife, Did You Ever See Such A Sight In Your Life As Three Blind Mice?" Now for the real deal:
The three blind mice were three black guys wearing shades. They were all getting favors from the farmer's wife, who was white. One day, the farmer came home and caught them in action, so the wife yelled, "they violated me" and she took off running after them with a carving knife! She was planning on doing a Lorena Bobbitt, but they got away...and that's the truth!

Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, you know; the story of the young woman who ended up living with seven male "little people"; most of whom were old enough to be her grandfather! Give me a break! The real deal is that Snow worked for an escort service; was hired by these old geezers, and tried to take care of all seven at one time. She was paid handsomely for this by the way.

Cinderella: really about a dysfunctional blended family, headed by a domineering step-mother, two homely, frustrated step-sisters and an absent, weak willed father. But we knew this already.


Goldilocks and The Three Bears: Home invasion...plain and simple!

Little Miss Muffet: An innocent little girl eating her curds and whey was lured by a pedophile to sit on his lap! Sat on a tuffet indeed! Umm-hum; we know what a tuffet really is, don't we? The shame of it is that he was her own relative!

Mary Had A Little Lamb: "and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go, he followed her to school one day..." The real deal is that Mary has a stalker, who wore a lamb's costume. Unfortunately, Mary's order of protection didn't prevent him from stalking her. Mary eventually hired a body guard!

Hansel and Gretel: Child abuse and pedophilia...she wanted to eat them!

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater: "Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her, he put her in a pumpkin shell, and there he kept her very well" First of all, Peter was a philandering husband; as in Tiger Woods trifling. What does it mean that "he had a wife and couldn't keep her?" He was rich!! The Pumpkin shell is a metaphor for the mansion in the gated community he put her in, so he could carry on with his other women. He just knew his wife was none the wiser, but she was on to his exploits. Little did he know that his wife was having her own trysts...with Little Boy Blue!" Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn was a code for, Tiger isn't home, so come on over..."

Little Red Riding Hood: Home girl was a fast little thing, who used to dress up in a red cape with a hoodie. She would sneak out of the house and go across town to meet up with her boyfriend, Wolf. When her mother became suspicious, Red claimed she was going to visit her sick grandmother. Her mother wasn't stupid, so she had Red followed. When confronted, Red threw her boyfriend Wolf, under the bus. He got arrested for kidnapping, home invasion and other charges. Little Red got over once again!


Wee Willie Winkie: "Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town, upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown"...come on now, isn't this one self-explanatory y'all?

And finally, Jack and Jill: you and I know they did not go up that hill to fetch any pail of water!


And may you live happily ever after!