Sunday, November 15, 2009

To Closure or Not to Closure

It’s so hard to say, “Good Bye”, or at least a reasonable facsimile of it. Or is it? How important is Closure to you? How do you take not getting ‘Closure’ at the end of a situation? Relationship, Disagreement, Job, whatever situation, some people tend to need Closure before successfully advancing to the next stop on the Journey through life. Some think the need for Closure is a sign of weakness or a failure to let go. What does Closure mean to you? Is it the desire to have final justification from another?

Even if you’ve never said “I need Closure” out loud, your actions ‘at the end’ may reveal otherwise. I don’t think I’ve ever been consciously aware of needing or wanting Closure because maybe shamefully so, when things started looking like too much work (work as in making excuses for, or tolerating more, etc) I’ve always had a tendency to run into the light! J Down side to that, every once in a while the light goes out. And you’re stuck, wondering and confused until you find your way out. That’s Closure.

I believe that Closure is a personal need, not a requirement. It’s more a courtesy and sign of respect to those that deserve it. It’s a way of giving yourself permission to move on. Ultimately that’s what it’s all about. Being released (releasing yourself) so that you can move on. Maybe it’s truly personal, we’ve all said at one point in life or another “What did I do to deserve that?” or “Why would they do that to me?”

I’ve looked through many pages on the subject and the majority pointed to ‘It’s necessary to have Closure’ and how to get it. Oddly not many that I went through suggested just letting it go.

I asked a few for their opinion on the need for Closure and these are some of the responses I got.

Survey Says:

Closure is all within you. I don’t believe that others actions will provide closure for an individual. An individual must find Closure within themselves. Same as with forgiveness!

Me: I do believe that Closure is a personal thing but I also believe that sometimes there may be a need to connect and communicate with the thing that brought about the pain or suffering in the first place to be able to let go. I understand both sides of this issue.

I agree that the ability to have Closure is all within us. And would add that sometimes the challenge is figuring what will give me closure for certain situations or relationships. For me, when I can leave the pain and take the lesson is when I have Closure. It’s easier said than done sometimes.

Me: Exactly, what will give Closure? Figuring that out and being honest about it is a great way to deal with it. Well of course, there’s why, why would we need Closure. The Situations vary and there may indeed be a need to attach some finalization to it. If a company does you wrong and cuts it off at the path with no explanation, you may be upset, even angered, and then you move on. Because it’s a necessity for your well being. There’s bills to pay and life to live. It was a cold action, but probably more business related than personal. However, when a person you care about or even love does the same thing, the effect is of course more personal and more painful. Because you have an emotional attachment many of your thoughts will have to be re-routed. No kidding. You will have to focus that energy in another direction. I run for Canvas, paint it out. Or at least I try to. I’ve learned to focus certain responses to Art. That works for me but you of course will have to find your focus. We all have that ability.

Steph I think closure is important in some, but maybe not all situations. For example, I would want Closure in a relationship with a lover (husband or otherwise) so he won’t think I have an open-door policy. On the other hand, if I have a childhood friend that resurfaces later in my life, I would like to renew the friendship. I might have wondered what happened to them and that the friendship was closed to us (closure).

Me: I agree with you regarding the relationship part. My reason is I am so low key that I like for things to go smoothly “Drama Free”. I don’t want there to be people walking around out there harboring negative feelings about me. I know we can’t control everyone’s thoughts and sometimes things just don’t work that way but I do try to do my best to show respect and compassion by leaving with a smile. I think being able to do that frees up so much energy that could be blocked with negative trash.

If you’re in a meaningful relationship, (marriage or great friends) and both of you take separate paths at the fork in the road; seeing that you came in as friends there must be Closure so that the both of you will stay on speaking terms and close the chapter on the good and trying times you had together.

Sometimes only one of you may require Closure. Give the other person the respect of closing out things in an orderly fashion.

Some men for whatever reason feel that if they give a woman Closure it’s wimping out but deep down when they are alone at night their inner soul wishes that they did. Everyone deserves some type of closure.

Now on the other hand if there’s really no value in the relationship (ok friends with benefits) then when it’s over it’s just over. No closure required. Right!

Just remember that someone gets up with feelings every day and deserves the right and respect to close out those feelings with grace.

Finally, Closure to me is ending what started as a new beginning on the same note; Knowing that we both can go on to begin things anew again with someone else.


Me: Well said!

I guess it all boils down to individual needs. It’s apparent that there are many different opinions and feelings about Closure. As for me, I like to retain respect for people even when we’ve decided to part ways, that’s what happens in life. I don’t want to spend too much time dwelling on painful things. And I guess deep down I always hope that people feel the same way with me. Admitted there are times when we have no control over a situation and have to deal with what comes. And remember sometimes, people run because they don’t have the power or presence of mind to stand in pain and prefer to cut it off and pretend it never happened. If the other party prefers not to give you Closure it’s in your hands to deal with it and move on. You don’t want to deal with regrets if you don’t have to. You have no control over that. Just work to move past it as fast and clean as you can. It’s another one of those things that makes us all different.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis

Life is Good
Steph Jordan

I'd love to know what you think

This article was previously published in Divapreneur Magazine
You can read my other articles there in the Body and Soul section and in the Relationship section.

"Good Morning Starshine...The Earth Says Hello" - Sesame Street

Hey there everybody...it's day two of a new venture for me...the launching a this EC*WCD blog! I want to give props to my mentor and sister/friend, Stephanie Jordan for taking this journey with me. She suggested that I say something biographical about myself but I must admit that I have a hard time with that. However, I will try so here goes: Born and raised in Harlem New York. Lived in West and East Harlem and also The South Bronx as a child. Schooled in The Bronx through Junior High School and attended High School and College in Manhattan. I am the middle child in a family of five; left handed, quirky at times and serious when necessary. I have three unique children; a son and two daughters, and two grandchildren. I am separated and loving the freedom and I recently retired, after teaching Special Education students for twenty-five years. Writing has always been a passion of mine and now I have the time to indulge my passion. I am ready for the next phase of my life...I am inviting you to help me on this new venture...please read, comment and contribute!