"Little Red Riding Hood" - Sam The Sham

Good morning peeps!! Did you know that fairy tales, nursery rhymes and folktales are some of the most violent, misogynistic, homophobic stories there ever was??? You didn't did you? After years of teaching and reading these stories to countless numbers of innocent children, I have now had the time to really analyze and dissect the hidden and not so hidden meanings in these beloved tales. I will now present my take on the meanings of those suspect fairy tales! Disclaimer: this is all tongue in cheek.

"Three Blind Mice, See How They Run, They All Ran After The Farmer's Wife, Who Cut Off Their Tails With A Carving Knife, Did You Ever See Such A Sight In Your Life As Three Blind Mice?" Now for the real deal:
The three blind mice were three black guys wearing shades. They were all getting favors from the farmer's wife, who was white. One day, the farmer came home and caught them in action, so the wife yelled, "they violated me" and she took off running after them with a carving knife! She was planning on doing a Lorena Bobbitt, but they got away...and that's the truth!

Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, you know; the story of the young woman who ended up living with seven male "little people"; most of whom were old enough to be her grandfather! Give me a break! The real deal is that Snow worked for an escort service; was hired by these old geezers, and tried to take care of all seven at one time. She was paid handsomely for this by the way.

Cinderella: really about a dysfunctional blended family, headed by a domineering step-mother, two homely, frustrated step-sisters and an absent, weak willed father. But we knew this already.


Goldilocks and The Three Bears: Home invasion...plain and simple!

Little Miss Muffet: An innocent little girl eating her curds and whey was lured by a pedophile to sit on his lap! Sat on a tuffet indeed! Umm-hum; we know what a tuffet really is, don't we? The shame of it is that he was her own relative!

Mary Had A Little Lamb: "and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go, he followed her to school one day..." The real deal is that Mary has a stalker, who wore a lamb's costume. Unfortunately, Mary's order of protection didn't prevent him from stalking her. Mary eventually hired a body guard!

Hansel and Gretel: Child abuse and pedophilia...she wanted to eat them!

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater: "Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her, he put her in a pumpkin shell, and there he kept her very well" First of all, Peter was a philandering husband; as in Tiger Woods trifling. What does it mean that "he had a wife and couldn't keep her?" He was rich!! The Pumpkin shell is a metaphor for the mansion in the gated community he put her in, so he could carry on with his other women. He just knew his wife was none the wiser, but she was on to his exploits. Little did he know that his wife was having her own trysts...with Little Boy Blue!" Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn was a code for, Tiger isn't home, so come on over..."

Little Red Riding Hood: Home girl was a fast little thing, who used to dress up in a red cape with a hoodie. She would sneak out of the house and go across town to meet up with her boyfriend, Wolf. When her mother became suspicious, Red claimed she was going to visit her sick grandmother. Her mother wasn't stupid, so she had Red followed. When confronted, Red threw her boyfriend Wolf, under the bus. He got arrested for kidnapping, home invasion and other charges. Little Red got over once again!


Wee Willie Winkie: "Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town, upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown"...come on now, isn't this one self-explanatory y'all?

And finally, Jack and Jill: you and I know they did not go up that hill to fetch any pail of water!


And may you live happily ever after!

"The Christmas Song" - Nat King Cole

Good morning peeps!! "Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas time in the city"...New York City at Christmas time is a sight to behold! In the hood you see festive decorations, signs in store windows luring you in with the promise of 50% off something that was marked up 400% in the first place; people rushing around trying to pick up that elusive toy that they probably really can't afford, but their child has got to have. You leave the hood; go downtown...there you see the wide-eyed tourists looking shell shocked! Macy's windows decorated cleverly; mesmerizing you...enticing you to come in and shop till you drop. Fifth Avenue. Park Avenue. Lexington Avenue. Grand Central Station. Penn Station. Rushing, pushing, shopping, gazing, wandering, meandering, spending. Crowded streets, street vendors, pick-pockets, hustlers, homeless. The only thing missing right now is snow! What? No, wait...I hope it doesn't snow! Gone are the days when I marveled at the beauty of pristine, white snow! Now, I worry about having to clear it from in front of my house! Ahhhh...Christmas in New York!

"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" - Jackson Five

Good evening peeps!! "It's the most wonderful time of the year...with the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer, it's the most wonderful time of the year". What are some of your fondest childhood memories of Christmas time? How old were you when you stopped believing in the myth of Santa Claus? Who exposed it? I don't actually remember when or how I stopped believing in the myth of Santa Claus. I don't recall how old I was either...I think I was about 25! No, just kidding! As hard as my father worked to put food on our table, clothes on our backs and  a roof over our heads, it still made perfect sense to me that an obese, white bearded, red suited, black boots wearing caucasian man, would come into my ghetto neighborhood and bring me toys!!! We didn't even have a chimney! Even stranger to believe (in hindsight), is that he would come pass midnight! I grew up in Harlem and The South Bronx afterall! Boy! Kids are so naive! Those should have been the red flags! But my ignorance was so blissful, that I even imagined that I caught a glimpse of Santa's black boots coming down my basement stairs, as I stealithly peeked out my bedroom window! Phew! Mama, daddy...please accept my gratitude to you for allowing me to revel in my fantasy...I appreciate you, love you; miss you both dearly...RIP.

"He's A Cold Hearted Snake"- Paula Abdul

Good evening peeps!!If I felt sympathy for that Cablinasian male before, I certainly don't now...there; it's off my chest. So how's everybody today? If it sounds like I'm fishing around, that's because I am. I might quite possibly be at a loss for a topic today...I know y'all are tired of hearing about you know who, right? Huuummm, I've decided not to call what I do a blog; I'm thinking of calling it a "sog" as in sassy old gal, or it could even stand for sorry old gossip. Reason? I think blog is passe! I have copyrighted the term "sog" so if you are thinking of using it...don't! Lol! That's all for now folks.Haven't eaten yet... had a long day at the doctor's office, dealing with some annoying, bureaucratic insurance issues. Did get a flu shot though...have you gotten your's yet?

Happy Holidays from Diviacityville!

Visit me at www.diviacity.com anytime
Steph

"Knock On Wood" by Eddie Floyd

Good morning peeps! A west coast friend suggested that I change the greeting font, so I am going to try a different one for today. I may decide to change it each time I write a piece...I will see. He also said he doesn't like the word "blog" so my mind goes into overdrive trying to come up with an original word to replace "blog". Please send me your suggestions and I will take them into consideration. Be prepared to rationalize your choice of word because I won't change just for the sake of changing...there has to be a reason for your rhyme! That's how I roll! I'm already thinking "clog" instead of "blog" because I tend to "clog" your brain with trivialities; or "Sog" because I am a "sassy old gal"...Lol...where did that come from? Anywhoo, you have probably surmised that I am rambling on today; I am. I woke up with several ideas swirling around my vapid brain, but everything came back to Tiger Woods! I promise you, I am not kicking the Cablinasian while he is down (notice I didn't say brother...), but this is such a topical, shocking, titillating story! So, I dedicate today's blog, clog or sog to all things Tiger. Of course this has to include songs!!!

Facts about tigers

Did you know that all tigers have different stripe patterns? Like snowflakes or fingerprints, they are all unique.
Did you know that tigers are solitary animals, as opposed to lions who live in prides or groups?
Did you know that there are more than 100 stripes on a tiger?
A tiger's roar can be heard from over a mile away...huuummm; so that explains how his wife caught him...she heard him roaring after one of his trysts!
A tiger marks it's territory by spraying trees and bushes contained inside it's area...so, that's why he ran into that tree...he was marking his territory!
The tendons in a tiger's leg are very strong. So strong in fact, that they have been known to remain standing even after being shot dead! Wow!
There are 9 subspecies of tigers: Bengal, Indochinese, Malayan, Sumatran, Siberian, Southern China, and 3 extinct subspecies: Balinese, Javan and Caspian. So, where does Cablinasian fit in? OK, enough of the boring tiger facts.

Songs about tigers:

1. Eye of The Tiger, by Survivor
2. Hold That Tiger, by The Mills Brothers
3. Tiger style (huuummm...is that what it's called?) by DJ Hype
4. When The Tigers Broke Free, by Pink Floyd
5. I'm A Tiger, by Lulu
6. Tiger, by ABBA
7. Tiger Rag, by Les Paul and Mary Ford
8. Paper Tiger, by Beck
9. Tiger Man, by Elvis Presley
10.Fear Da Tiger, by Bootsy Collins
11.Taming The Tiger, by Joni Mitchell
12.I've Got A Tiger By The Tail, by Buck Owens
13.Tiger, Tiger, by Duran, Duran

I don't like to end on an odd number but this all I have...what you got?

Random: Who remembers Tiger Beat Magazine? How ironic a title, right? Ciao!

"Please, Please, Please" - James Brown

Good afternoon peeps! It took a minute but I have my topic for today: The Top Begging and or Forgiveness Songs! Remember, I think in terms of music and the news of late has been about about cheating and sneaking into places uninvited. So, here is my list. Of course you may add yours too!

Toodie's Top Begging and/or Forgiveness Songs

1. Please, Please, Please, by James Brown

2. Take Me Back, by Little Anthony and The Imperials

3. I'm Sorry, by Brenda Lee

4. You Are Always On My Mind, by Willie Nelson

5. Try Again, by Champagne

6. At This Moment, by Billy Vera

7. Working My Way Back To You Babe, by The Spinners

8. Forgive Me, by Leona Lewis

9. Crawl, by Chris Brown

10. Try A Little Tenderness, by Otis Redding

11. I Want You Back, by The J5

12. Let's Stay Together, by Al Green

13. Reunited, by Peaches and Herb

14. We Can Work It Out, by The Beatles

15. You Oughta Know, by Alanis Morissette

16. I've Been Loving You Too Long, by Otis Redding

17. When A Man Loves A Woman, by Percy Sledge

18. Breaking Up Is So Very Hard To Do, by Jerry Butler

19. What's So Good About Goodbye?, by The Miracles

20. I'm Losing You, by The Temptations

Honorable mentions: any song by Keith Sweat (always begging); and Cry Me A River, by Justin Timberlake